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The Internet is My Boyfriend



** originally posted on LMVO.com 

What an exciting summer we've had so far... working out, making out, partying, surfing (aka slobbing out on the sand talking shit about your friends while they're in the water), and all of the other imperative non-work related activities that sunshine and short shorts inspire. Of course if you're like me you're spending most of your days cursing out the sun for cock blocking your visibility on the TV with it's stupid glare. Or perhaps you're stapled to your laptop surfing the internet. Speaking of, let's. Shall we?
Important things that have happened since my last post. In the last couple of months some of our personal heroes died while others came out of the DOY WE ALREADY KNOW closet. This week we celebrated our country's independence by Instagramming photos of those sweet-ass new Bud cans, while the first openly gay hip hop (mostly R&B) artist in history declared his own independence. And now, a little FIBI roundup  (For the Internet, By the Internet):
  • Guys- did you know that "negging" really hot women is the fastest way to drive down their self esteem just enough to make them think you're the only person who can ever love them? Especially with SUPER HARSH negs like:  “Your nose is a little red. You’re like an Eskimo. Cool.” and "Hey, you're a goof." #GOOF. Follow the simple seduction steps provided and everyone wins. The guy gets the hot girl, and the hot girl gets a brown turd.
  • Pharrell Williams' new YouTube show StereoTypes addresses race relations and social issues by asking insane New Yorkers pertinent questions like "Are you a hipster?" and "Did the white man bring homosexuality to Africa?" just to see how people will respond. The latest episode entitled "Embarrassing Music" captures the only human being ever to admit they like Nickelback on camera. Bonus: the host was one of the stars of the Hipster Olympics.
  • These vivid potato portraits by Ginou Choueiri seriously thrill me. Then again, I watch a lot of Bravo so my ability to cull pop culture stories that people might find moving is essentially rendered moot.
  • Gawker did a guide to the God Particle for The Slows (that's us) which will be purposeful at your next pretentious dinner party. It's also genuinely interesting.
  • What are your travel plans this summer? Trip to Paris? A sail through the Greek islands? Backpacking Machu Picchu? Visiting the suicide forest?
  • Sorry about the suicide forest. To end on something light, let's make all 56 of these this summer.
Previously:
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The Internet is My Boyfriend: Week of 4/15


It’s time for your weekly roundup of SIZZLING HOT GOSSIP. Just kidding I would rather lick Michelle Bachmann’s open eyeballs than report on the lives of celebrities. In case you are new here, “The Internet is My Boyfriend” is a safe space where you can procrastinate the work your boss pays you to do in lieu of catching up on the week’s juiciest science, news, comedy and art tidbits. Occasionally I’ll throw in an obligatory celebrity story to help drive traffic to this website. Jokes! Anyhow, here is what the Internet had to offer this week:
  • If you haven’t seen this brilliant, yet extremely dumb mashup video yet please be my date to the Kristianne Baille party. (We are going to be very tardy – the video is two years old but since I just discovered it yesterday, it is brand new again).
  • Ever wonder what it's like to have God rip your heart open just so angels can sew it back up with tiny rose-scented teddy bears? Then perhaps you should watch this Mariachi band serenade a dancing Beluga whale. Oh mother nature, what a glorious bounty you've given. We shall imbibe ourselves and grow drunk with your gift. A glorious bounty, indeed. 
  • Whenever I’m feeling sad I tune into Rob Delaney’s Twitter feed and let his gross sex jokes wash over me like a gentle breeze. This week Rob charitably rounded up hisbest pick-up lines for Vice Magazine. Now all of you sad-n-single people can get out there and use “I am going to RENOVATE your butt hole” on a hot stranger at the bar tonight. Let me know how it goes!
  • Excuse me Island of the Dolls, but you no longer weave my nightmares. This giant, Australian spider eating a snake while turning it into black acid is now the HBIC.
  •  ”In her Tissue Series, Lisa Nilsson uses finely finely rolled paper to create anatomically correct artwork“
  • Dear fellow honkeys: you know that thing where you’re embarrassed to be white because you are eternally associated with Vanilla Ice and everyone that acts like him? What if you feel shame for thinking Vanilla Ice used to be really, really hot? How are we supposed to feel when he helps a 9 year-old white rapper cover “Ice Ice Baby?” #KREAYSHAWNKONFUSION
  • It’s an age old question we all ask ourselves: “Should I Check My Email?” Use this handy flow chart by Wendy MacNaughton to help you find the answer within (Gizmodo via Forbes)
  • Fox LA telling us that Hair Chalking is “the latest rage among teens and twenty-somethings” is worse than when the New York Times did an expose on the death of the trucker hat back in 2003 (I sadly know 5 of the 8 people interviewed in the article). KIDS THESE DAYS.
  • Lastly and obviously, happy 4/20! It’s that day of the year we all watch Friday, order pizza and do lots of THIS. (Ed Note: Dear future employers/mom: I don’t do drugs!)
Smoke ya later dudes.
(I said I don’t do drugs!)

Originally posted on LVMO
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The Internet is My Boyfriend: Week of 4/8


 
Accurate portrait of the end of my relationship
Hello and hi. It’s nice to be back! I was away last week and have had time to think about some things. I’ve decided that since I spend so much time online I may as well just give in and make this endless portal of information my ACTUAL boyfriend. Like, no more joking around about it. I just ended a relationship with a really kind of amazing dude for reasons that are unreasonably out of our control, so today I shall turn to the Internet to wipe away my tears, hold me a little bit, and tell me everything is going to be okay. And then he will make me laugh and we’ll run off into the sunset together.
Here are some neat-o tidbits that mah boo has shared with me over the last two weeks. Let me know what you think. I mean, I am on the rebound so my judgement might be cloudy.
  • Ever want to know what New York City would look like without people? French artists Lucie & Simon used the same photo filters NASA uses to create ”Silent World,” an apocalyptic series that makes some of our most prolific cities look like a set from “I Am Legend”.
  • Please just make sure that before you go on with the rest of your life that you watch this gorgeous reconstruction of “1st of Da Month” by BONE PUGZ-N-HARMONY. It’s a fucking face melter.
  • This expose on the sad and sketchy lives of the Ku Klux Klan is one of the most depressing and riveting pieces I’ve read since The Atlantic’s story of Shin In Geun, the only known living escapee of a North Korean prison camp who sent his own mother to her death. Gawker’s Hamilton Nolan is prolific in his snark, but he wrote this piece so thoughtfully it’s practically my duty to pass it along. If you have the time, read both pieces if you haven’t already. HAPPY FRIDAY EVERYONE!
  • You guys should totally go to Minneapolis where you can sit in a room that is so quietyou can hear your internal organs. So that’s nice.
  • I feel kind of guilty about holding a gun to your heads and making you read about the North Korean Gulag and the KKK, so here is a story that will unharsh your mellow about a Polar Bear who chills with his best friend Mark in their backyard pool.
Hope you enjoy your weekend. See you next week!
Aviva
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The Internet Is My Boyfriend: Week 3/25



Welcome back to “The Internet is My Boyfriend.” This is a happy place where I cull the best stories from all of my favorite science, news, art and comedy sites to bring you a moment of delightful procrastination from your job. I'm writing these for LMVO now, but I'll post them here for the regulars. 
This week was so boring in real life, the most exciting thing to happen to me was that my auto-correct changed “dubstep” to “sunstroke” (my iPhone is a 70 year old man, fyi). The glorious internet saved me from my monotony (coffee, run, read news, spend 8 hours looking at Buzzfeed, eat, sleep) and here are the results:
  • A few weeks ago the witty ladies of The Hairpin posted about gross gross period sex. I’m squeamish so I could barely get through it, but someone in the comments referred to getting your cycle as “when the Communists invade my funspace”. And now we all have to steal that. If you aren’t on the pill and spend lots of time making fake babies with gentlemen you should read the entire piece. But if you are a guy, gay or straight, DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES READ THE POSTS OR COMMENTS. Also, guys, why are you reading this post? This is for the laaaaadies. JK! I’m glad you’re here and hopefully want to take me out on a date if my dudefish decides he no longer wants to listen to me sing “I Will Survive” in the shower. What?
  • Timmie Jean was not only a tattooed punk rocker in the 60′s (EDGY!), she was the very first woman to ever receive breast implants fifty years ago. Today she is 80 and she knows she is awesome. She talks about her ( . ) ( . ) in the BBC’s brief history of the boob job.
  • And the “I Personally Believe That US Americans Are Unable To Do So Because Some People Out There In Our Nation Don’t Have Maps And I Believe I That Their Education Such As In South Africa and Iraq” Moronic Statement Award goes to Geraldo Rivera for being awesome at being racist. Thankfully, The Daily Show broke it down.
  • Billions of ants around the world all actually belong to a single global super colony. Here is what you need to know about them:
- Apparently they act like old friends when they meet each other, even if some are from Japan and some are from Argentina
- The ones who live in Europe span 3,700 miles
- This super colony “could rival humans in the scale of its world domination”
- Click here for more ANTS FTW
  • Someone should really write a horror movie about a giant pencil with large teeth who terrorizes kids on the playground and sucks them into an abyss so deep and so dark that their bodies bifurcate 100 million times like matter that passes through Black Holes. Here’s what the trailer would look like.
  • Need to find a good gift? Get your loved one a sweet-ass pet portrait from tiny genius J. Penry.
  • And sending you off on your superfunpartyweekend, here are the Top 10 Tweets from Condescending Willy Wonka.
Tomorrow I'm rounding up the best of (my) Internet for Cultist. Go subscribe!
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I miss you guys





I miss this blog. I used to be addicted to it. Remember when Ted aka "Handsome Ted" Barrow used to write with me on this thing? He was the best. I miss Ted too. Remember how we used to get nuts in the comments and anonymous haters would tell me I suck while others would ask me out on dates? I even made a few fan pals who I met IRL at bars around NYC. Those days were fun, but this is now, and ever since I stopped posting pictures of my friends being idiots and/or doing neat things, no one reads this anymore. Maybe they'll come back here if I do, though.





SO! What should I write about? Politics? Shame crushes? Superstring theory? Breaking Bad? Acceptable forms of mens footwear? Bravo reality show addicts and the people who love them (aka my boyfriends)? Is it acceptable to not like Radiohead if you're white? How long we think it will take for everyone to stop crapping their bikinis over Ryan Gosling? For real... what do you want to talk about? DO TELL.

On another note, some major life changes are in motion. Despite feeling the stress of the economic collapse and the political tourniquets strangling us all, life has been pretty good to me, particularly in the last two months. I'm relieved, happy, and finally finding time to prioritize the things I care about and actually do them, like researching subjects for my second book.

We all have responsibilities (jobs, school, taking care of our families) and not all of us have the luxury of doing what we truly want to do. But we should at least try to get paid for doing what we love. If you love something you'll be good at it and it will in turn make you feel great. Feeling great is essential to not dying alone. No one wants to love a miserable shrew, and you will most certainly be miserable if you're tethered to a stifling, uncreative entity that renders you moot, climbing an insurmountable pile of shit that grows larger by the day. (I'm speaking from experience here).

Get out a pen and paper, list the top three things you care most about and start crafting them into pyramid schemes. The most scalable of the three is your dream job. Boo-yah, you're rich!

Things I care about include hanging with my family, good jokes, great story tellers, dark movies, reading alone at the beach, reading The Hairpin, Futurism, getting angry at the TV, complaining, 3 o'clock naps, thrifting, road trips, and sneaking sweet ingredients into traditionally savory breakfast items. All I have to do to be happy is figure out how to combine all of these priorities into one comprehensive, high-paying dream job.

In the meantime I'll just be sitting here needlepointing awesome tweets onto pillows and blogging. So... what do you want to read about? Thoughts? Feelings? Pffffts?

xo
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