The Internet is My Boyfriend: Week of 4/15

It’s time for your weekly roundup of SIZZLING HOT GOSSIP. Just kidding I would rather lick Michelle Bachmann’s open eyeballs than report on the lives of celebrities. In case you are new here, “The Internet is My Boyfriend” is a safe space where you can procrastinate the work your boss pays you to do in lieu of catching up on the week’s juiciest science, news, comedy and art tidbits. Occasionally I’ll throw in an obligatory celebrity story to help drive traffic to this website. Jokes! Anyhow, here is what the Internet had to offer this week:

• If you haven’t seen this brilliant, yet extremely dumb mashup video yet please be my date to the Kristianne Baille party. (We are going to be very tardy – the video is two years old but since I just discovered it yesterday, it is brand new again).
• Ever wonder what it's like to have God rip your heart open just so angels can sew it back up with tiny rose-scented teddy bears? Then perhaps you should watch this Mariachi band serenade a dancing Beluga whale. Oh mother nature, what a glorious bounty you've given. We shall imbibe ourselves and grow drunk with your gift. A glorious bounty, indeed. 
• Whenever I’m feeling sad I tune into Rob Delaney’s Twitter feed and let his gross sex jokes wash over me like a gentle breeze. This week Rob charitably rounded up hisbest pick-up lines for Vice Magazine. Now all of you sad-n-single people can get out there and use “I am going to RENOVATE your butt hole” on a hot stranger at the bar tonight. Let me know how it goes!
• Excuse me Island of the Dolls, but you no longer weave my nightmares. This giant, Australian spider eating a snake while turning it into black acid is now the HBIC.
•  ”In her Tissue Series, Lisa Nilsson uses finely finely rolled paper to create anatomically correct artwork“
• Dear fellow honkeys: you know that thing where you’re embarrassed to be white because you are eternally associated with Vanilla Ice and everyone that acts like him? What if you feel shame for thinking Vanilla Ice used to be really, really hot? How are we supposed to feel when he helps a 9 year-old white rapper cover “Ice Ice Baby?” #KREAYSHAWNKONFUSION
• It’s an age old question we all ask ourselves: “Should I Check My Email?” Use this handy flow chart by Wendy MacNaughton to help you find the answer within (Gizmodo via Forbes)
• Fox LA telling us that Hair Chalking is “the latest rage among teens and twenty-somethings” is worse than when the New York Times did an expose on the death of the trucker hat back in 2003 (I sadly know 5 of the 8 people interviewed in the article). KIDS THESE DAYS.
• Lastly and obviously, happy 4/20! It’s that day of the year we all watch Friday, order pizza and do lots of THIS. (Ed Note: Dear future employers/mom: I don’t do drugs!)

Smoke ya later dudes.

(I said I don’t do drugs!)

Originally posted on LVMO