The Internet Is My Boyfriend: Week 3/25

Welcome back to “The Internet is My Boyfriend.” This is a happy place where I cull the best stories from all of my favorite science, news, art and comedy sites to bring you a moment of delightful procrastination from your job. I'm writing these for LMVO now, but I'll post them here for the regulars. 

This week was so boring in real life, the most exciting thing to happen to me was that my auto-correct changed “dubstep” to “sunstroke” (my iPhone is a 70 year old man, fyi). The glorious internet saved me from my monotony (coffee, run, read news, spend 8 hours looking at Buzzfeed, eat, sleep) and here are the results:

• A few weeks ago the witty ladies of The Hairpin posted about gross gross period sex. I’m squeamish so I could barely get through it, but someone in the comments referred to getting your cycle as “when the Communists invade my funspace”. And now we all have to steal that. If you aren’t on the pill and spend lots of time making fake babies with gentlemen you should read the entire piece. But if you are a guy, gay or straight, DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES READ THE POSTS OR COMMENTS. Also, guys, why are you reading this post? This is for the laaaaadies. JK! I’m glad you’re here and hopefully want to take me out on a date if my dudefish decides he no longer wants to listen to me sing “I Will Survive” in the shower. What?
• Timmie Jean was not only a tattooed punk rocker in the 60′s (EDGY!), she was the very first woman to ever receive breast implants fifty years ago. Today she is 80 and she knows she is awesome. She talks about her ( . ) ( . ) in the BBC’s brief history of the boob job.
• And the “I Personally Believe That US Americans Are Unable To Do So Because Some People Out There In Our Nation Don’t Have Maps And I Believe I That Their Education Such As In South Africa and Iraq” Moronic Statement Award goes to Geraldo Rivera for being awesome at being racist. Thankfully, The Daily Show broke it down.
• Billions of ants around the world all actually belong to a single global super colony. Here is what you need to know about them:

- Apparently they act like old friends when they meet each other, even if some are from Japan and some are from Argentina
- The ones who live in Europe span 3,700 miles
- This super colony “could rival humans in the scale of its world domination”
- Click here for more ANTS FTW

• Someone should really write a horror movie about a giant pencil with large teeth who terrorizes kids on the playground and sucks them into an abyss so deep and so dark that their bodies bifurcate 100 million times like matter that passes through Black Holes. Here’s what the trailer would look like.
• Need to find a good gift? Get your loved one a sweet-ass pet portrait from tiny genius J. Penry.
• And sending you off on your superfunpartyweekend, here are the Top 10 Tweets from Condescending Willy Wonka.

Tomorrow I'm rounding up the best of (my) Internet for Cultist. Go subscribe!