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Advice for Your Heartbreak
Hi guys. I think I'm back? I stopped writing because I haven't had anything to say. I spent an embarrassingly long time getting over a good old fashioned breakup. It was a quiet, seemingly healthy break up at first, but the guy cut me off so hard, it turned a potentially easy transition to friendship into a months-long painful experience I hope I don't ever have to deal with again.
We broke up due to some geographical and circumstantial challenges, but those were just his excuses I think. Geography and circumstance had nothing to do with it... the truth is he didn't think it was a fit. And this, my friends, is the first time I've experienced that.
I've had very long relationships and even one long drawn-out breakup, but those breakups were mutual or I've initiated them, and I've remained friends with pretty much all of my exes until our lives truly go in different directions. In short, I've never been "dumped." It's the worst feeling ever. Ever. How do people live through divorce? This shit kills! I'm okay now because it's been awhile, but I really loved him so it hit me hard once I realized it was over-over.
The first step to getting over the rejection was learning to accept that someone I cared about didn't feel the same way about me. And it's okay. It's okay for one person to not like me. Sure I was butthurt over it, but there was nothing I could do. There is nothing anyone can ever do except not let themselves get depressed and learn whatever lessons they can.
I have nothing bad to say about him personally, I just couldn't understand the indifference. It's maddening. But really what's the point of being mad at apathy? Feeling inconsequential is extremely harsh, but it has it's silver linings. It forced me to look at myself, which is a good thing! So here is my advice for anyone going through what I went through last year:
1. RELAX. Don't push love. If a guy likes you he'll make it happen and you don't have to do anything but be yourself. This rule only applies if you are falling in love with him. If you;re not crazy about him then who cares what you do? Hunt him, have sex with him, and kill him for all I care. You're just having fun.
2. KEEP RELAXING. Love is something that is always around and happens unexpectedly and naturally, so just chill. One guy goes and 5 more pop up in his place. Not saying you'll fall in love with them all, but they are everywhere, always.
3. DON'T BE A PUSSY. When someone disappoints you, take all your butthurts and put them into something that makes you feel great. For me it was training for a triathlon, getting into shape, and developing a new healthy lifestyle that I maintain today.
4. CUT THE CORD. Don't try to be the bigger person - get petty and cut off whoever you miss boning the most from your social networks. F*ck that noise. It's a relief for everyone involved.
5. DO NOT CRY. The last time I saw this guy was at a party, when I told him I missed him and started blubbering right there in front of all of our friends. Humiliating! And as we all know, men hate tears.
Hold it in until he is far, far away from you. It's a matter of pride. But then let yourself cry until you feel better. Tears get you all tuckered out and calm so you can go back to shoving your feelings deep inside like we all do. Just remember, it's okay to break a hose now and then, just not in front of the person who rejected you.
6. BE COOL. Don't reach out, just let the person go. Leave them alone. Who cares if they think you're a turd? It's ONE person. Everyone else in your life loves you and thinks you are a bright, shiny, super special turd. Also, you will meet someone else who thinks you are amazing and doesn't understand how that last person ever let you go, and that feels really good.
7. BE GRACIOUS. For me, I'm grateful that I could actually fall in love again and even more grateful I was given an opportunity to improve myself. A cold hard rejection can be the catalyst for becoming a better person. CORNY BUT TRUE.
8. YOU DON'T NEED ANY MORE FRIENDS. I like being friends with my exes because everyone feels better and you can appreciate their best attributes without being disappointed by the weird expectations you imposed upon them in the first place. But when someone hurts you when you didn't do anything to deserve it, do they really deserve your friendship? No. No they do not. Suck it up and take the hit. Eventually you will not care what that person thinks of you.
9. IT'S NOT THE END OF THE WORLD. Once you fall in love with someone who truly adores you, all the other dudes are dust. It's like your past is wiped out. Trust me.
10. BE KIND. Short of someone stalking you, threatening you, or doing something awful like cheating, don't ignore your ex, especially if you've done the dumping. It's cruel and can be devastating. I have done it to men, but I will never do it to anyone again. It's always best to communicate and keep things light and friendly until you lose interest or one of you meet someone else better matched.
I hope this is helpful. It's the best I can do for now. And let me be clear- this really has nothing to do with him. He could be any guy. It's about me dealing with a painful situation. Anyhow, I'm looking forward to this new year. My resolutions are pretty simple: start writing again, do the AIDS ride, and continue to build my business. I don't need this year to be exciting or big - it's just going to be about foundations. But really this is enough about me. I would love to hear what you guys learned this year. What are your resolutions?
And guys, sorry to talk about GIRL FEELINGS, but after this post I promise you won't hear a peep about my personal life again. At least not in a sincere way. It's 100% complaints, jokes and shit talking from here on out, just like old times.
Happy New Year, everyone!
We broke up due to some geographical and circumstantial challenges, but those were just his excuses I think. Geography and circumstance had nothing to do with it... the truth is he didn't think it was a fit. And this, my friends, is the first time I've experienced that.
I've had very long relationships and even one long drawn-out breakup, but those breakups were mutual or I've initiated them, and I've remained friends with pretty much all of my exes until our lives truly go in different directions. In short, I've never been "dumped." It's the worst feeling ever. Ever. How do people live through divorce? This shit kills! I'm okay now because it's been awhile, but I really loved him so it hit me hard once I realized it was over-over.
The first step to getting over the rejection was learning to accept that someone I cared about didn't feel the same way about me. And it's okay. It's okay for one person to not like me. Sure I was butthurt over it, but there was nothing I could do. There is nothing anyone can ever do except not let themselves get depressed and learn whatever lessons they can.
I have nothing bad to say about him personally, I just couldn't understand the indifference. It's maddening. But really what's the point of being mad at apathy? Feeling inconsequential is extremely harsh, but it has it's silver linings. It forced me to look at myself, which is a good thing! So here is my advice for anyone going through what I went through last year:
1. RELAX. Don't push love. If a guy likes you he'll make it happen and you don't have to do anything but be yourself. This rule only applies if you are falling in love with him. If you;re not crazy about him then who cares what you do? Hunt him, have sex with him, and kill him for all I care. You're just having fun.
2. KEEP RELAXING. Love is something that is always around and happens unexpectedly and naturally, so just chill. One guy goes and 5 more pop up in his place. Not saying you'll fall in love with them all, but they are everywhere, always.
3. DON'T BE A PUSSY. When someone disappoints you, take all your butthurts and put them into something that makes you feel great. For me it was training for a triathlon, getting into shape, and developing a new healthy lifestyle that I maintain today.
4. CUT THE CORD. Don't try to be the bigger person - get petty and cut off whoever you miss boning the most from your social networks. F*ck that noise. It's a relief for everyone involved.
5. DO NOT CRY. The last time I saw this guy was at a party, when I told him I missed him and started blubbering right there in front of all of our friends. Humiliating! And as we all know, men hate tears.
Hold it in until he is far, far away from you. It's a matter of pride. But then let yourself cry until you feel better. Tears get you all tuckered out and calm so you can go back to shoving your feelings deep inside like we all do. Just remember, it's okay to break a hose now and then, just not in front of the person who rejected you.
6. BE COOL. Don't reach out, just let the person go. Leave them alone. Who cares if they think you're a turd? It's ONE person. Everyone else in your life loves you and thinks you are a bright, shiny, super special turd. Also, you will meet someone else who thinks you are amazing and doesn't understand how that last person ever let you go, and that feels really good.
7. BE GRACIOUS. For me, I'm grateful that I could actually fall in love again and even more grateful I was given an opportunity to improve myself. A cold hard rejection can be the catalyst for becoming a better person. CORNY BUT TRUE.
8. YOU DON'T NEED ANY MORE FRIENDS. I like being friends with my exes because everyone feels better and you can appreciate their best attributes without being disappointed by the weird expectations you imposed upon them in the first place. But when someone hurts you when you didn't do anything to deserve it, do they really deserve your friendship? No. No they do not. Suck it up and take the hit. Eventually you will not care what that person thinks of you.
9. IT'S NOT THE END OF THE WORLD. Once you fall in love with someone who truly adores you, all the other dudes are dust. It's like your past is wiped out. Trust me.
10. BE KIND. Short of someone stalking you, threatening you, or doing something awful like cheating, don't ignore your ex, especially if you've done the dumping. It's cruel and can be devastating. I have done it to men, but I will never do it to anyone again. It's always best to communicate and keep things light and friendly until you lose interest or one of you meet someone else better matched.
I hope this is helpful. It's the best I can do for now. And let me be clear- this really has nothing to do with him. He could be any guy. It's about me dealing with a painful situation. Anyhow, I'm looking forward to this new year. My resolutions are pretty simple: start writing again, do the AIDS ride, and continue to build my business. I don't need this year to be exciting or big - it's just going to be about foundations. But really this is enough about me. I would love to hear what you guys learned this year. What are your resolutions?
And guys, sorry to talk about GIRL FEELINGS, but after this post I promise you won't hear a peep about my personal life again. At least not in a sincere way. It's 100% complaints, jokes and shit talking from here on out, just like old times.
Happy New Year, everyone!
The Internet is My Boyfriend: Week of 4/8
Accurate portrait of the end of my relationship
Hello and hi. It’s nice to be back! I was away last week and have had time to think about some things. I’ve decided that since I spend so much time online I may as well just give in and make this endless portal of information my ACTUAL boyfriend. Like, no more joking around about it. I just ended a relationship with a really kind of amazing dude for reasons that are unreasonably out of our control, so today I shall turn to the Internet to wipe away my tears, hold me a little bit, and tell me everything is going to be okay. And then he will make me laugh and we’ll run off into the sunset together.
Here are some neat-o tidbits that mah boo has shared with me over the last two weeks. Let me know what you think. I mean, I am on the rebound so my judgement might be cloudy.
- Ever want to know what New York City would look like without people? French artists Lucie & Simon used the same photo filters NASA uses to create ”Silent World,” an apocalyptic series that makes some of our most prolific cities look like a set from “I Am Legend”.
- Please just make sure that before you go on with the rest of your life that you watch this gorgeous reconstruction of “1st of Da Month” by BONE PUGZ-N-HARMONY. It’s a fucking face melter.
- This expose on the sad and sketchy lives of the Ku Klux Klan is one of the most depressing and riveting pieces I’ve read since The Atlantic’s story of Shin In Geun, the only known living escapee of a North Korean prison camp who sent his own mother to her death. Gawker’s Hamilton Nolan is prolific in his snark, but he wrote this piece so thoughtfully it’s practically my duty to pass it along. If you have the time, read both pieces if you haven’t already. HAPPY FRIDAY EVERYONE!
- You guys should totally go to Minneapolis where you can sit in a room that is so quietyou can hear your internal organs. So that’s nice.
- I feel kind of guilty about holding a gun to your heads and making you read about the North Korean Gulag and the KKK, so here is a story that will unharsh your mellow about a Polar Bear who chills with his best friend Mark in their backyard pool.
Hope you enjoy your weekend. See you next week!
Aviva