He's BAAAaaaack...

I can't design clothing. I can't sew. I can't sketch, or even visualize myself in new clothing until I've tried it on. I have very few talents and the ones I have are pretty common:

Thus, it's neither fair nor kind of me to criticize someone else's craft, but "fashion" "designer" "Jeremy" "Scott" has pushed me over the edge with his new collection this season. Scott, known for his elegant taste and ethereal musings, has a new collection that looks like it was designed for the wait staff at that defunct tourist trap Martian Bar in Times Square. I think he was going for more of an 80's-does-50's camp feel a la Mars Attacks, with re-re-re-hashed Trash & Vaudeville patent-leather-zippered throwbacks. But this all sounds way cooler than anything that hit the runway:

Spring/Summer '14 - Jeremy Scott Hates Women's Bodies, Evidence A, B, and C

This collection wasn't as offensive as past seasons, and I'd rock some of the one-piece maillots, but... 

IT'S TIME TO STOP PRETENDING THAT JEREMY SCOTT IS A BRILLIANT, INNOVATIVE FASHION DESIGNER. 

I mean, it's CRAZY you guys. We are like battered wives. We're too scared to say it out loud because everyone's "friends" with him and he throws the best Coachella parties (for real, thank you for all these years of ice sculptures in the pool and really good DJs), but we don't need to live in fear anymore. If you see something, say something, people. Speak up! There are others who feel the same way you do, who are trapped in a Boom Boom Room-sized pressure cooker filled with social climbers and FashGods just as desperate and full of shit as you are. Maybe if we all come out of the JS closet at once no one will notice, like bum-rushing a police barricade.

Let us not forget how he outdid himself with the SS12 runway presentation, a veritable bounty of Cross Colors-meets-Pee-Wee's Playhouse couture. I was so moved I wrote about it in 2011. I know he's hustled for a decade to become a signature part of NYFW and I definitely respect the work ethic, but I've never seen anyone wear his clothing who I know doesn't get it for free. Maybe his Adidas collaborations offset the cost of production on his signature line, but I suspect he has a rich old benefactor in Paris who underwrites it all. If anyone knows, please holler at me in the comments or email me. On the bright side, it look like he hasn’t ripped off any legendary skate brands this season. I haven't seen any reviews yet so I'll look tomorrow and update you on the consensus, but in the meantime please share your thoughts in the comments.

UPDATE 9/12/13 9:30am PST:

As usual, critics are raving about him again, too scared to call a spade a spade. The LA Times just referenced Mars Attacks and says "this collection combines the rebellious spirit of '50s-era youth with a future-past Space Age aesthetic to create a range of pieces perfect for the planet-hopping retro-rebel set." 

Really? Is it?