Top 6 Celebrities Who Hate Me
Please enjoy these short stories about celebrities who would rather not go camping with me in the wilderness.
1. Patton Oswalt hates me because I asked him to FedEx a phone charger to me after the 2004 election night party at his house that long story short turned into a 3 week $115. ordeal.
2. Julian Casablancas once threw me out of his house for drinking his last beer after a looooong night of partying. Or morning, depending on how you judge those things. (He eventually apologized but I recently met some dude who was like "Oh yeeeeerrr Aviva, the chick Julian threw out of his house." Good times!)
3. The guy from Korn with the braids told me I was a dumb slut after I accidentally GOD FORBID sat at his reserved VIP table at some terrible Hollywood club in the nineties.
4. Danny Masterson insulted me for some reason I don't remember, which turned into a screaming match at a Vegas nightclub VIP area because WHY WAS I AT A VIP AREA IN VEGAS.
5. Jeremy Piven hates me. But that's okay because I hate him too.
6. Natasha Lyonne made aggressive moves on my boyfriend (he was straight up GORGEOUS) that led to us nearly breaking up. I forgot all about it but I told him that if I ever saw her again I would knock her lights out. 6 months later I saw her at a bar named "Happy Ending" in Chinatown and punched her square in the face. She threw her drink at me, I was immediately escorted out of the club (more of a steamy coke dungeon, but whatever), and then walked around scared shitless that A.R.E. Weapons was going to beat me up. They didn't beat me up, the end.
Coming up: Po's Top 20 Celebrity Stories
1. Patton Oswalt hates me because I asked him to FedEx a phone charger to me after the 2004 election night party at his house that long story short turned into a 3 week $115. ordeal.
2. Julian Casablancas once threw me out of his house for drinking his last beer after a looooong night of partying. Or morning, depending on how you judge those things. (He eventually apologized but I recently met some dude who was like "Oh yeeeeerrr Aviva, the chick Julian threw out of his house." Good times!)
3. The guy from Korn with the braids told me I was a dumb slut after I accidentally GOD FORBID sat at his reserved VIP table at some terrible Hollywood club in the nineties.
4. Danny Masterson insulted me for some reason I don't remember, which turned into a screaming match at a Vegas nightclub VIP area because WHY WAS I AT A VIP AREA IN VEGAS.
5. Jeremy Piven hates me. But that's okay because I hate him too.
6. Natasha Lyonne made aggressive moves on my boyfriend (he was straight up GORGEOUS) that led to us nearly breaking up. I forgot all about it but I told him that if I ever saw her again I would knock her lights out. 6 months later I saw her at a bar named "Happy Ending" in Chinatown and punched her square in the face. She threw her drink at me, I was immediately escorted out of the club (more of a steamy coke dungeon, but whatever), and then walked around scared shitless that A.R.E. Weapons was going to beat me up. They didn't beat me up, the end.
Coming up: Po's Top 20 Celebrity Stories