KIDDYLAND

Sep 1

Written By Aviva

Kiddyland is neither for kids nor is it a land. It's a black hole is what it is. It's a portal to Beezelbub's bank account. Kind of suspicious that it's packed with cute Asian babies (chick kryptonite) AND it's right next to Shakey's Pizza (shady). Everyone knows that Shakey's is a money laundering front. I mean what divey LA pizza joint has a location in one of the most expensive areas of Tokyo unless someone's running a fence? Yakuza much?

EVERYTHING IN THE STORE IS SAD AND CUTE. No woman can resist a sad, cute thing. Again, if you enjoy your money do NOT visit Kiddyland. Send someone stronger than you: your boyfriend, dad, brother, butchy cousin Wendy.

I spent all my money on complete bullshit I neither want to give away nor will ever use. It's next level nannerpants bezerkballs in there.

Kiddyland is also the home of Snoopy. He has a whole entire floor to himself. $360 diamante-encrusted Snoopy card holder anyone?

Here are some of the gifts I bought people:

3-D puzzles

I don't know why I'm so obsessed with this banana dude but all I know is that his name is BANAO and he's kind of a serious guy with lots of worries. He's also my new cellphone accessory.

I can't really tell but I think he has this more confident alter ego or at least a mentor named ELITE BANAO who is a tanned, laid back dude with a huge ween. He's super cool so don't harsh his mellow.

The Japanese term for "cute" is Kawaii and it cray cray dominates here. It's part of the national identity and they use it in the subways and in construction zones to gently remind people not to step over the line, talk on their cellphones, eat food in public, or do anything out of order basically.

Let me tell you it works. Everything is so easy, clean and systematic here. Everyone is respectful and polite and they speak softly. It really brings out the gross in our (American) culture. It's soooo pleasant here I'm loving it. Anyhow, they take cute to the next level.

I MEAN

GIMME

FRIGGIN

BREAK

OH OKAY SO NOW YOU'RE GONNA BRING ON THE CAPYBARAS? WHAT DO YOU THINK I'M MADE OF?

THANKS FOR SHOWING ME THIS VIDEO OF THEM SLEEPING IN THE FIELD TOGETHER. WELL PLAYED, KIDDYLAND

IS THAT NECESSARY?

HEY WHY DON'T YOU AND YOUR FRIENDS SCRAM

NOT IMPRESSED

I was on a gift buying binge (you know I'm not giving a single item to anyone. These will sit on my desk til I tire of them which will be never). I took the party down to Tokyu Hands in Shibuya, the largest craft store in the City. Shall we?