Christmas in June
Just spent the week with John Roberts, my house guest. I don't think I can laugh at anything again. He's ruined all men for me, forever. My cheeks hurt for five days. You know what you shouldn't even read this post without making sure you see THIS first.
Johnny doing the Jersey Shore
I taught him a few things:
- When someone starts droning on and on or saying something inappropriate, simply turn to them and say "button it" in my grandmother Dottie's voice.
- Always throw slumber parties on Friday the 13th and play Bloody Mary 1-2-3:
Invite your best girlfriends over for a sleepover. At midnight go in the bathroom, turn off all the lights, burn one candle, and say "Bloody Mary 1-2-3 three times. (No one ever makes it to the last "3" because Bloody Mary comes out of the bathroom cabinet and murders you, obvy).
John taught me a few things as well:
- Always refer to awful people (like Ramona from Real Housewives of New York for instance) as rotten or poor creature. "Ooooh that Ramona is so rotten. What a poor creature."
- When applying chap stick always refer to your lips as cocksuckers. This goes for both men and women. Gotta keep those cocksuckers moisturized you know?
- For fun go hang with the douches at the Standard Hotel pool on Sunset and start complaining loudly from the deep end about how exhausting it is to have 'all these networks, talent managers, executives, producers, directors, and comedians want to work with you' and how you're over having drinks at the Chateau Marmont and Beverly Hills Hotel with power agents. Do this for 20 minutes until even the douchiest douchebags think you are extremely douchey. Then just leave.
- After your friend (named Aviva) makes you a gourmet breakfast of Indian eggs and tea then takes you to ride bikes all over town and brings you to Guitar Center and Supreme, start complaining out loud about how hungry you are because you had to eat slop for breakfast.
- When your friend (Aviva) is hosting a party in your honor, pull her aside and whisper 'we need to talk.' Then proceed to tell her how the party sucks and everyone's really pissed and is going to burn her house down. Do this in an indoor voice and be low key so she gets worried for a moment.
- When your friend (Aviva) is hosting a party in your honor, threaten to go down to the worst gay bar in Hollywood and 'bring back some f*ggots for a 3am meth party. Then explain softly, but frankly that she is going to get robbed and wake up to a room full of ten gays having a lube orgy in her bed. Apologize in advance about how it sucks that this is going to happen to her.
- While your friend (Aviva) is hosting a party in your honor, go up to her guests and say hysterically 'my laptop is missing you guys myfuckinglaptopismissing.' Wait for them to act concerned, then walk away. It's the host's job to make sure everyone's having fun, not yours.
- Make sure you tell all of the host's friends how she is super jealous of you and is constantly trying to sabotage your career.
- The morning after your friend (Aviva) throws a party in your honor and declares that it was 'fabulous' and tells you how 'awesome' her friends are who came to celebrate with you, respond with 'those aren't your real friends, Aviva. They're just using you' (in Jackie's voice).
I go nuts for boys with curls
Went to the Chateau Marmont that night to celebrate all the good things happening with John and his wigs. If anything good should happen to someone, he is the little bean it should happen to. I mean look at that punim!
Orlando friggin Bloom sat his gorgeousness next to us. He's ridiculous with that all that facial symmetry and those tight buns. Gimme a break.
Ali
Daniel
Pia's puppy
Kitty and Alex
I was FEELING Camille's 90s black Cholita lips. Brang it girlfriend.
Alexi and Johnny
John's friend Laurel
(please stop touching him he's mine theenks)
There are so many things right with this photo, but the key points are: Kevin drew that penis-horned wolf for Rebecca's birthday. It's really not a big deal, it's not.
April and Yasi
Megan and Cam
Jerry is my new best BBM friend (you have to see this dude's cellphone pictures. I am DYING). The other dude is Jeff. He kind of looks like Andrew McCarthy during the Weekend at Bernie's era except AMC was a major dork (even in Less Than Zero) and Jeff is the opposite of dorky. Anyhow, Jeff has this brother whose face is so beautiful you can hear girls' hearts breaking as he walks down the street. I mean I've only seen pictures of him, but I'm pretty sure he's related to God or something. I'm too scared to see him in person because I'd never find any man attractive again. It would be like if my boyfriend went swimming with Giselle. I'd be toast.
Lenski and Alexi
Kevin
Ako
Little photo shoot ensued on my bedroom couch. Jerry and Camille:
This is my favorite snap. Camille laughing.
Curtis
2am post-party meal of French lentils, fluffed eggs, eggplant Punjab, and hot sauce.
Towel-Off: Parrotdise v. Hannah Montana
This was taken just an hour after I dropped John off at LAX. Look at how my amazing Budwieser bag looks so somber against the warm backdrop of Malibu. It's sad because John is gone and now there's a big hole in my heart where he once was. No more waking up to laughter and going to sleep with sore cheeks. I can't divulge anything about what you will be seeing of him in the future, but trust me guys... he's about to be a STAHHHH!
I love you John! Thanks for turning my life into an episode of Best Week Ever!
xo Aviva
Johnny doing the Jersey ShoreI taught him a few things:
- When someone starts droning on and on or saying something inappropriate, simply turn to them and say "button it" in my grandmother Dottie's voice.
- Always throw slumber parties on Friday the 13th and play Bloody Mary 1-2-3:
Invite your best girlfriends over for a sleepover. At midnight go in the bathroom, turn off all the lights, burn one candle, and say "Bloody Mary 1-2-3 three times. (No one ever makes it to the last "3" because Bloody Mary comes out of the bathroom cabinet and murders you, obvy).
John taught me a few things as well:
- Always refer to awful people (like Ramona from Real Housewives of New York for instance) as rotten or poor creature. "Ooooh that Ramona is so rotten. What a poor creature."
- When applying chap stick always refer to your lips as cocksuckers. This goes for both men and women. Gotta keep those cocksuckers moisturized you know?
- For fun go hang with the douches at the Standard Hotel pool on Sunset and start complaining loudly from the deep end about how exhausting it is to have 'all these networks, talent managers, executives, producers, directors, and comedians want to work with you' and how you're over having drinks at the Chateau Marmont and Beverly Hills Hotel with power agents. Do this for 20 minutes until even the douchiest douchebags think you are extremely douchey. Then just leave.
- After your friend (named Aviva) makes you a gourmet breakfast of Indian eggs and tea then takes you to ride bikes all over town and brings you to Guitar Center and Supreme, start complaining out loud about how hungry you are because you had to eat slop for breakfast.
- When your friend (Aviva) is hosting a party in your honor, pull her aside and whisper 'we need to talk.' Then proceed to tell her how the party sucks and everyone's really pissed and is going to burn her house down. Do this in an indoor voice and be low key so she gets worried for a moment.
- When your friend (Aviva) is hosting a party in your honor, threaten to go down to the worst gay bar in Hollywood and 'bring back some f*ggots for a 3am meth party. Then explain softly, but frankly that she is going to get robbed and wake up to a room full of ten gays having a lube orgy in her bed. Apologize in advance about how it sucks that this is going to happen to her.
- While your friend (Aviva) is hosting a party in your honor, go up to her guests and say hysterically 'my laptop is missing you guys myfuckinglaptopismissing.' Wait for them to act concerned, then walk away. It's the host's job to make sure everyone's having fun, not yours.
- Make sure you tell all of the host's friends how she is super jealous of you and is constantly trying to sabotage your career.
- The morning after your friend (Aviva) throws a party in your honor and declares that it was 'fabulous' and tells you how 'awesome' her friends are who came to celebrate with you, respond with 'those aren't your real friends, Aviva. They're just using you' (in Jackie's voice).
Lenski came over to work on this project but instead this happened
I go nuts for boys with curlsWent to the Chateau Marmont that night to celebrate all the good things happening with John and his wigs. If anything good should happen to someone, he is the little bean it should happen to. I mean look at that punim!
Orlando friggin Bloom sat his gorgeousness next to us. He's ridiculous with that all that facial symmetry and those tight buns. Gimme a break.Threw a primo fab party for John...
Ali Daniel Pia's puppy Kitty and AlexI was FEELING Camille's 90s black Cholita lips. Brang it girlfriend.Alexi and JohnnyJohn's friend Laurel(please stop touching him he's mine theenks)There are so many things right with this photo, but the key points are: Kevin drew that penis-horned wolf for Rebecca's birthday. It's really not a big deal, it's not.April and YasiMegan and CamJerry is my new best BBM friend (you have to see this dude's cellphone pictures. I am DYING). The other dude is Jeff. He kind of looks like Andrew McCarthy during the Weekend at Bernie's era except AMC was a major dork (even in Less Than Zero) and Jeff is the opposite of dorky. Anyhow, Jeff has this brother whose face is so beautiful you can hear girls' hearts breaking as he walks down the street. I mean I've only seen pictures of him, but I'm pretty sure he's related to God or something. I'm too scared to see him in person because I'd never find any man attractive again. It would be like if my boyfriend went swimming with Giselle. I'd be toast.Lenski and AlexiOn my list of TO DOs: Be pals with Alexi. Check! I'm in LOVE with her blog. I met her on tour with The Virgins a couple of years ago because she was engaged to one of the guys from the other band we were touring with.
It's all about BONE STRUCTURE people. Look at these hot pieces of aye-ess-ess! Pia and Rebecca. Rebecca is to die for and she's that hot guy's brother's girlfriend which means she gets to see his Jesus face all the time. Luckyduck!
KevinAkoLittle photo shoot ensued on my bedroom couch. Jerry and Camille:
This is my favorite snap. Camille laughing. Curtis2am post-party meal of French lentils, fluffed eggs, eggplant Punjab, and hot sauce. Erica lives at Melrose Place. 88 degrees. We was mad hot, son.
Towel-Off: Parrotdise v. Hannah MontanaThis was taken just an hour after I dropped John off at LAX. Look at how my amazing Budwieser bag looks so somber against the warm backdrop of Malibu. It's sad because John is gone and now there's a big hole in my heart where he once was. No more waking up to laughter and going to sleep with sore cheeks. I can't divulge anything about what you will be seeing of him in the future, but trust me guys... he's about to be a STAHHHH!I love you John! Thanks for turning my life into an episode of Best Week Ever!
xo Aviva