The Daily Tids with Aviva, New Year's Edition
Welcome back! Hope everyone is happy and doing well, except for my stalker. I hope she’s stewing in her own incontinence somewhere desolate, freezing her stalky tits off. You know who you are!
Moving along, last year was definitely the best year of my life, except maybe 2007. The book was a hit and opened a million doors for me, which I'm really grateful for. I'm all excited about 2009 because... well, I don't want to bore you with why. You either don't care or you'll find out. Either way, I'm pretty much as happy as I can be right now. I haven't pictured myself dying alone in my apartment in like, a year!
And now for the news:
1) BEING SECRETARY OF STATE = QUEENLY FUNTIMES!
If you're a chick, being the Secretary of State is a better job than being the head judge at the Brainy Babes of Oxford University's Annual P**sy Eating Competition. Did you see this in the news:
DUDE.
Condi got laced by the Arabs, son! Diamonds and Rubies! Matching sets of Emeralds! Who knew the Saudis were so lusty for Condi? Do you think Vagina McPantsuit will get the same dousing of jewels from the Middle East menfish when she takes over?
2) DEATH BY BLACK HOLE
This is fucking AWESOME. Read that book Death By Black Hole by my favorite black dude (aside from Blog***er), Neil DeGrasse Tyson. He describes what happens to your body when you get sucked into a black hole. He uses the word "bifurcating," which is fancy-talk for being snapped in two. But that's only the first step. You should read it. Anyhow, a bunch of sizzling hot Chilean scientists have been on Black Hole watch since Carl Sagan told us about them, and now its been confirmed:
SQUEEZED INTO A STREAM OF ATOMS DESCENDING TOWARD THE ABYSS
3) IRON MAN SUIT ENDS CRIPPLING SHAME
Some Israeli doctors and engineers got together to build a suit that lets paraplegics stand upright and walk. Fucking walk. And all we do is couch rant from our laptops about how the Downtown art scene in New York is cheesy now and equally pointless nothings.
ROBOTIC ARMOR FROM MORTAL COMBAT OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT
"It raises people out of their wheelchair and lets them stand up straight," Goffer, the creator of the suit, says. "It's not just about health, it's also about dignity." Just come right out and say that being paralyzed is humiliating why dontcha. That's like describing a fat chick as a fat chick. You're not supposed to say it. You're supposed to describe the mole on her face or how she has a really great personality. Anyhow.
4) AMERICAN BREAKS THE WORLD RECORD ON SOLO MISSION TO THE SOUTH POLE
Last week some dude named Todd dragged a 250-lb sled up 10,000 ft over 700 miles of brutal, freezing terrain in 39 days and 7 hours. He tried a few years ago and failed due to weather conditions. Only 4 other people have ever made it on a solo mission, but Todd's the first American.
South Pole Average Temperature: -56°F
South Pole Lowest Temperature: -117°F
Average Wind Speed: 44mph
Highest Wind Speed: 198.8mph
U-S-A! U-S-A!
Happy New Year! I'll be posting about that soon. Oh, and by the way, YAY!!! I love Al!
xx
Aviva
Moving along, last year was definitely the best year of my life, except maybe 2007. The book was a hit and opened a million doors for me, which I'm really grateful for. I'm all excited about 2009 because... well, I don't want to bore you with why. You either don't care or you'll find out. Either way, I'm pretty much as happy as I can be right now. I haven't pictured myself dying alone in my apartment in like, a year!
And now for the news:
1) BEING SECRETARY OF STATE = QUEENLY FUNTIMES!
If you're a chick, being the Secretary of State is a better job than being the head judge at the Brainy Babes of Oxford University's Annual P**sy Eating Competition. Did you see this in the news:
DUDE.
Condi got laced by the Arabs, son! Diamonds and Rubies! Matching sets of Emeralds! Who knew the Saudis were so lusty for Condi? Do you think Vagina McPantsuit will get the same dousing of jewels from the Middle East menfish when she takes over?
2) DEATH BY BLACK HOLE
This is fucking AWESOME. Read that book Death By Black Hole by my favorite black dude (aside from Blog***er), Neil DeGrasse Tyson. He describes what happens to your body when you get sucked into a black hole. He uses the word "bifurcating," which is fancy-talk for being snapped in two. But that's only the first step. You should read it. Anyhow, a bunch of sizzling hot Chilean scientists have been on Black Hole watch since Carl Sagan told us about them, and now its been confirmed:
SQUEEZED INTO A STREAM OF ATOMS DESCENDING TOWARD THE ABYSS
3) IRON MAN SUIT ENDS CRIPPLING SHAME
Some Israeli doctors and engineers got together to build a suit that lets paraplegics stand upright and walk. Fucking walk. And all we do is couch rant from our laptops about how the Downtown art scene in New York is cheesy now and equally pointless nothings.
ROBOTIC ARMOR FROM MORTAL COMBAT OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT
"It raises people out of their wheelchair and lets them stand up straight," Goffer, the creator of the suit, says. "It's not just about health, it's also about dignity." Just come right out and say that being paralyzed is humiliating why dontcha. That's like describing a fat chick as a fat chick. You're not supposed to say it. You're supposed to describe the mole on her face or how she has a really great personality. Anyhow.
4) AMERICAN BREAKS THE WORLD RECORD ON SOLO MISSION TO THE SOUTH POLE
Last week some dude named Todd dragged a 250-lb sled up 10,000 ft over 700 miles of brutal, freezing terrain in 39 days and 7 hours. He tried a few years ago and failed due to weather conditions. Only 4 other people have ever made it on a solo mission, but Todd's the first American.
South Pole Average Temperature: -56°F
South Pole Lowest Temperature: -117°F
Average Wind Speed: 44mph
Highest Wind Speed: 198.8mph
U-S-A! U-S-A!
Happy New Year! I'll be posting about that soon. Oh, and by the way, YAY!!! I love Al!
xx
Aviva