J.A.P. day

Every year I go up to 5th Avenue and take pictures of the Bergdorf Goodman windows. Its my only tradition. Tasha and I were supposed to go on a Taco Crawl with Athena, but the plans got screwed up so we opted for Fifth Ave. I'm Jewish but I looooove me some Christmas time in New York. I start getting all jazzed up about it right before Thanksgiving.

Dear Global Warming Initiative,

Don't want to be a pill, but we're just gonna suck up ridiculous amounts of energy for the next month so we can be the prettiest, most well-lighted City in the Nation. Also, fuck you hippies.

Love,

Manhattan

Check out my killer pair of Penny Loafers! They're fuckin AWS. What? You think they're corny? Well that's because you can't see the blue wood ducks embroidered where the pennies are supposed to go. According to my copy of the Preppy Handbook this is the ultimate must-have for any White Anglo-Saxon Person.

Not too Christian of me, but I got in a fight with this asshole. Yes, its crazy to engage street hustlers, but he made me SO mad. I took the unposed, candid photo you see here and he followed me SCREAMING to give him some money. I give him a dollar, he grabs the money out of my hand, calls me a fucking bitch, and tells me he's starving. Um, excuse me? You're starving?

Let's look at the facts shall we?

1) You're wearing crispy, white Yohji Yamamoto-looking hi-tops in pristine condition. Even if they're from Kmart, they're clean and new. Not the shoes of a starving person.

2) Your cats are eating Fancy Feast (no joke) in his-and-her matching cable-knit sweaters.

3) Your Hello Kitty garbage pail is filled to the brim with cash. NOT a cheap item. I looked it up, and even on eBay, mini trash cans with that Japanese feline on them start at $24. and range up to $40. USED.

4) To your left (not pictured) is your cute blond girlfriend sipping a Starbucks latte and jingling a bell. Behind you is a not-too-shabby contraption that wheels your cats, carpets, and sort of hi-tech backpack home, to your apartment.

You're not starving bro. Which is exactly what I said to him. I looked him right in the eye and calmly told him he was full of shit. He went BONKERS. Stupid lying asshole. I don't care how he is getting his money, but please don't buy and train animals to shamelessly manipulate thousands of people and then act like a pious do-gooder. I am STILL mad about this by the way.

Rockefeller Center was a wee tad crowded. I can't get into it, but trying to see the ice skaters made me want to stab.

Moving along...We went to Trump Plaza to grab a coffee at Starbucks. It only took 40 minutes, no bigs. Seems stupid, but after 15 minutes in that line we were so deep in the shit we were scared to get out of line and have to start over somewhere else. Just getting one block down Fifth Ave after Black Friday is a ten minute ordeal. You can lose a scarf or a kid in that mess. LOTS of big butts everywhere, by the way. Achtung!

We finally made it to Bergdorfs, the most beautiful store in America. The tea room/restaurant upstairs was filled with tiny white ladies and older men with straight backs wearing Sperrys. The only reason I'm showing you this is because of those super neato yellow egg-shaped seats over there in the back. How cute is it to sit there and look out at all the people below and eat your tiny sandwiches?

Naomi Campbell and ZZ Top Matryoshka dolls near Central Park.

FAO Schwartz is berzerk this time of year. I tried moonwalking on the giant piano keys from that movie BIG once, but there was a line about 200 deep.

Paris Hilton Barbie. I'll spare you making a Paris joke here. That's about as cliche as it gets. Britney and Lindsay jokes are out too, please make a note.

Weird gay sex slave Ken? Mkayyyyy...

Back to Rockefeller Center:

We finally made it to Bergdorfs to see the windows! Unfortunately my pictures didn't come out well, so I'm posting my pictures from last Christmas. I'm pretty sure at this point if you're still reading you're either:

a) A chick.

b) You're a guy, but you're super bored by now and have thought about clicking away from this chick entry ever since the bum fight/cat ordeal.

c) You're a guy who is thanking your mom that you weren't born with a vagina.

d) You used to be a guy up until now, but I've managed to turn you gay. You can leave your penis on the counter since you won't be needing it anymore*

Anyhow, it takes a year to plan and a team of prop stylists, Opera set and fashion designers to bring us these gems. Voila!

After the windows we went to Grand Central to have Oysters and beer. This is another one of my favorite things to do. I suggest eating at the bar and watching the professionals their make their chowders and stews. Definitely get the Oysters Rockefeller, since it's their specialty.

This is a lobster meat sandwich... on a hot dog bun! How rebellious of you, you seafood wizards! This was fuggin de-lee-chers!

Next entry: My Boring Christmas